Blogger Clarissa Doesn’t Get Childfree People, But Still Expects To Be Taken Seriously

Edit: I’ve changed my mind about not providing a link to the liar’s post. I’ve provided it here so that anyone who doesn’t appreciate Blogger Clarissa’s lies about me and attack on childfree people in general can see her garbage first hand, and could, if they wish, respond accordingly. I’ve given her plenty of opportunity to act like a real adult and take responsibility for what she wrote, but she has refused, not only refusing to own up to the fact that she lied, but adding more lies lies to the pile. Liars deserve to be called out, challenged, and exposed.

Update 19/10/11: Given a quick glance at BC’s blog, I’m pleased to see that she’s been exposed for the liar that she is. Her commenters are tearing her apart! I’ve also learned that she sells her blog for Kindle on Amazon. As is my civic duty, I’ve decided to leave a review, warning the public against wasting their hard-earned money. With that, I’m thoroughly done with this pathetic liar, hypocrite, and all-around attention-whore. I believe that I’ve thoroughly made my point already.

Poor Blogger Clarissa, you chose the wrong lady to fuck with. You weren’t expecting me to stand up for myself like this, were you? Tsk, tsk, you should have known better. My blog has a history of dealing with trolls most harshly. Have you learned your lesson? Do let us know if you ever feel like behaving in a manner befitting a real adult.

This blog is no stranger to trolls. Earlier this year, I dealt with a troll who chose to respond to a series of posts that I made (these posts were basically a conversation between myself and a self-described pro-natalist who had, for some reason, taken it upon herself to try to make me have babies.) I used the conversation to demonstrate various anti-childfree cliches and bingos. I did not, at any point, attack anyone or anything. At worst, I pointed out to the woman that she was being rude – and she was. But that wasn’t the way the troll told the story. I was accused of saying things that I never said anywhere, and was, by the troll called a number of unkind things which was ironic since that’s exactly what I was accused of doing, although I hadn’t.

I considered the whole episode a fluke, the work of an attention-seeker desperate for blog-fodder but with nothing meaningful to say, and/or a someone with some serious issues. I was not expecting an occurring such as that to happen again. I was wrong.

Earlier today, I wrote about a dream that I had, one in which I inexplicably found myself a mother and was far from happy about it. I received the following response:

(Quoting me) “that it’s different when they’re my own, that I’ll love them when they’re here”

-Many people do believe this kind of idiotic suggestions and then end up with kids they neither need nor are capable of loving. And nothing is sadder than that.

(Quoting me) ” I think when most women imagine having a baby, they romanticize it, thinking of their perfect, adorable Kodak moments. ”

-Just like people who don’t want children are NOT deluded, confused fools, people who do want children are NOT mostly (or even significantly) confused or deluded. I think it’s wrong to generalize in this dismissive way about either group of people.

Baffled, I replied,

I don’t believe that I have generalized anyone. I said “MOST women,” not all women, and I said “I think.” I don’t think that I am wrong in my statement either. Most women DO want children, and I doubt any harbor such a desire with the expectation that they will be miserable. Just as any wanna-mamma why she wants to have a baby because I can guarantee you that she won’t answer that she likes cleaning human shit and hates quality sleep and having a decent bank account balance.

I haven’t called anyone delusional or confused, nor do I think that I’ve been dismissive about a group of people (except maybe babies.) I’m pointing out that when I dream or think about babies, about motherhood, my thoughts are different from those that are common or expected.

I dismissed the comment. Clearly, this individual had misread something, somehow. Perhaps she’d comment back with “My bad,” or “Never-mind,” perhaps blaming weariness or something for her mistake. Or maybe I’d just never hear from her again. Whatever, no big deal either way.

What I was not expecting was to received a trackback from her blog. I had given her the benefit of the doubt before, but her post exposed her as just plain dishonest. I removed the trackback, and will not link to the post in question (apart from a trackback so this person knows that I’ve responded,) because I do not direct traffic to trolls, as I suspect that’s often what they want.  (Edit: I’ve changed my mind.) So there are no context issues, I will quote the text of her post in full. Anyone who wishes to see it on her site can simply Google it.

Just as with the last time that I dealt with the other troll that I mentioned earlier, I’m aware that I probably shouldn’t respond at all. No feeding trolls, right? But, well, I just can’t let blatant lies go unchallenged. And, yeah, I am in a bit of a mood to be bitchy, having dealt with a homophobic and misogynist troll earlier today, so I might find standing up for myself cathartic.

What I Don’t Get About Child-Free People

Anything at all, apparently. 

I think it’s perfectly fine not to have children if you don’t feel like it. No other reason or justification is needed. If you don’t feel like having them, then don’t. It makes you an honest, strong-minded person who doesn’t bow to societal pressures and just does whatever s/he feels like. Perfect!

I’m having flashbacks to the other troll that I started this post by bringing up. She did this same shit, claiming to support the choice to be childfree and then attacking it in the very next breath. 

What I find very disturbing, though, is when people fashion some kind of an identity out of something they say they have no interest in doing. To give an example, I’m a blogger. That’s a huge part of my identity because I spend a lot of time blogging. I don’t garden, however. It would be kind of freaky for me to create an identity for myself based on not gardening and to write endless passionate posts and articles about how gardening sucks and all people who garden are deluded.

Somehow, I doubt this person is frequently confronted about not gardening, or that anyone expects her to garden or that anything must be wrong with her for choosing not to garden. I doubt anyone actively tries to force her to garden, blocking any means she might have of avoiding gardening.  Yeah, not really a well thought out analogy she made there.

I suppose she’s talking about fashioning an identity out of being childfree? I don’t “fashion an identity” out of being childfree, for one thing. I am childfree, just as I am a lot of things. Soldier, veteran, girlfriend, daughter, gamer. These are all what I am, not who I am. It’s this troll who wants to put me into the neat little box of being childfree as an identity, rather than simply seeing it as a lifestyle choice of mine or a detail about me. Further, being childfree isn’t about what I’m not, else I’d refer to myself as childless or as a non-parent or nullipara. I am childfree, that means that I live a dramatically different life from parents. When I write about being childfree, I am writing about the life that I have, not the one that I don’t. As a blogger, why the hell wouldn’t I write about my life and thoughts?

The child-free folks, though (not to be confused with those who are simply childless, like myself), spend a lot of time and energy decrying the horrors of an activity they say they don’t want to participate in and making wild and unflattering generalizations about those who do want to participate in it. Here is the most recent example I encountered:

I find it nothing short of hilarious that she can falsely accuse people of making generalizations, and then turn around and make a generalization herself (that CF people ” ….spend a lot of time and energy decrying the horrors of an activity they say they don’t want to participate in and making wild and unflattering generalizations about those who do want to participate in it. A quick scan through her blog exposes her as someone who commonly generalizes large, diverse groups in unflattering ways. Oh, but I’m sure it’s OK when she does it (never mind that I didn’t actually generalize anyone in my post.)

Edited to add: Oh, this is hilarious! Just for shits and giggles, I read through the comments of this troll’s posts. One of the commenters pointed out that the troll is guilty of generalizing childfree people. Remember, generalizing people is what this troll had attacked me for (even though I hadn’t actually done any such thing in the post in question.) Her response to this commenter, “Once again, NOT every post published online is about you personally. If you are not one of people described here, then the post wasn’t about you.” I’d make a joke about this, but I can’t stop laughing long enough. 

What’s even more hilarious is that this claim isn’t even supported by her own example, in which she quotes me. Apparently, she never bothered to actually read my response to her in the comments section of my post, or has chosen to simply ignore it for her own reasons.

(Quoting me) I think when most women imagine having a baby, they romanticize it, thinking of their perfect, adorable Kodak moments. I do not. . . To me, having a baby means misery, poverty, missed opportunities, burden, servitude, restriction, and a ruined life. My view might not be common, or if it is, it’s not much talked about, but I know that I am not alone.

Anybody is completely entitled to envision having children as “misery, poverty, etc.” What I find hard to comprehend, though, is why this belief has to be accompanied by a ridiculous generalization about the stupidity of “most women” who only think of Kodak moments and can’t even imagine what the reality of having children means.

I already responded to this when she first wrote the comment, but in the telling of her blog, she turns up the dishonesty. I was, in my post, contrasting my view of being a mother with the views of women who actually want to be mothers. Whereas other women might think of happy things about being a mother, I simply do not. I never said that anyone was right, wrong, deluded, or stupid, nor have I even implied anywhere that any women, let alone most women, “ can’t even imagine what the reality of having children means.”

Frankly, this blogger is a liar, and is therefore fairly called a troll.

Why such intense disrespect for so many women? (Men are not mentioned at all here. Probably this blogger believes that women reproduce through parthenogenesis.)

I haven’t disrespected anyone in my post. I was writing about myself and how different I am from what’s considered normal and what that says about me. And as this post is about me, a woman, and a dream I had about being an unhappy mother, I’m baffled as to what place any mention of men had anywhere in the post, or why the absence of any such mention must indicate some ignorance of biology.

Why not choose, instead, to give people who want kids (as well as people who don’t)  the benefit of the doubt and proceed from the assumption that they know what they are doing?

I never said anyone didn’t know what they were doing. My point was that I know what I’m doing.

As with the claim to support the decision to not have children which the troll prefaced this post with, this statement is later contradicted by the post itself and, most egregiously, by the final statement.

Whenever I talk to a child-free person, I always notice that they talk about babies a lot more than even the most obsessed parents. (Also, baby poop tends to feature prominently in those conversations, which makes a lot of sense psychoanalytically.) They go on and on about how all of those people who have children are completely insane and how their lives must be totally and hopelessly ruined. After a while of listening to this “parenthood is such a nightmare” whining, I begin to think that this seemingly ideological child-free position is nothing but a huge case of sour grapes.

Doubtful. Funny, I talk to childfree people all the time in multiple communities and rarely see any such thing. Apart from my use of the word “nightmare” while describing an unpleasant dream that I had, and once mentioning shit, as it’s something babies do, something the baby did in my dream, and is something I never want to have to deal with. (I mentioned drool too, as well as tiny facial features, but I guess those didn’t stand out. Also, it seems to me that most talk about baby shit has been by parents, must the annoyance of childfree people as well as anyone else who doesn’t want to hear about that.) I haven’t said anything that this person generalizes childfree people as obsessing over, so attempting to use my post as an example to support her point is complete nonsense.

People who are completely sure of an important life decision they made will never spend a moment defending it.

Except maybe when it’s constantly attacked, degraded, invalidated, and undermined.

Because whenever you feel the need to defend it, it’s not “society” you are talking to. It’s that nasty little voice in your head telling you that probably your decision was a mistake.

So much for “I think it’s perfectly fine not to have children if you don’t feel like it. No other reason or justification is needed. If you don’t feel like having them, then don’t. It makes you an honest, strong-minded person who doesn’t bow to societal pressures and just does whatever s/he feels like. Perfect!” and “Why not choose, instead, to give people who want kids (as well as people who don’t)  the benefit of the doubt and proceed from the assumption that they know what they are doing?”

I find it amazing that someone can look at a post in which I describe a dream in which I’m miserable with a child and act like it means that must secretly want one. I can’t even imagine the logical acrobatics at play with that one.

I could, if I wanted, turn this around on the troll, speculating that she wants kids based on her self-admitted failure to understand child-free people (By the way, shouldn’t one actually bother to know about a topic that they wish to write about? Since when is ignorance an argument in favor of an option?) and her making a point of identifying herself as childless rather than child-free to indicate that she probably does want kids. I could go on from that to conclude that the troll is therefore likely projecting her desire for kids, and missing the point of my original post entirely. But, well, I’m not really interested in delving into that and analyzing someone.

You know what really gets me? This troll made the same mistake as the other one did. She wrote a dishonest post about me, in response to an unlikely post of mine (honestly, if someone wants to use a post of mine to color me as offensive, they could have found a couple better ones. I can be a real bitch when I want to be. Just saying,) and then linked to my post. Any reader who bothered could click the link, read what I actually wrote, and then see the troll for the liar she really is. Troll, a word of advice, if you’re going to slander someone, don’t provide your audience with the resource needed to prove you wrong.